Bitches and Blue Balls

Another weekend dedicated to damaging my liver.

Most people tend to ask too many questions regarding my drinking habits. If you worked my job you’d need to drink too!

Thursday night went straight to Alex’s after work so we could get dinner before he opened the bar. We went to Noodles & Co. and wouldn’t you know it we both got NOODLES!!!!!! Bet you weren’t gonna guess that.

Opened the bar at seven had my red bull for longevity, then sat and waited for my bitches to show up. Connie, Lauren and Landon are hardly the most punctual bunch….I mean get it together bitches.

They finally arrived and it was time to get the shenanigans started.


Getting mean mugged for taking the picture too early.


Only to have Timmy ruin it for her!


I mean this is grainy as fuck…but Brad looks like the devil.


Aww look Alex got to be in a picture! He’ll love this.


I really can’t stop myself sometimes…


I really loved these two drunk hitting on each other. I did spy a pit on the other side of an outside tarp. He’s South African sometimes they’re hard to understand so I wanted to be there to help interpret.

Friday Alex and I had planned on waking up early around 11. We woke up at 2 and started moving around 3. This shit is the same every week! Always plan on being up for lunch and always sleep through it. It’s retarded.

Friday night we had a dip night at Connie’s. They’re my favorite.


Melissa, Lauren, Laura, Danny, Alex, Alan, Landon and of course Constance joined in on the evenings festivities. There were some fine foods and those god damn addicting mini pizza’s Connie makes. Legit awesome.

We tried to play Guesstures but the counter kept locking up and so we switched to Catchphrase. Two of my teammates were having some focus issues which totally made us lose! It’s all good though it was worth it just to laugh.

I mean really Alan? Where were you during this game?


These cunts had a shot that I wasn’t invited too.

Once everyone was beyond full it was time to go booze up some more at the bars. Some people had a longer head start to the bars than others. So when I arrived I was greeting by being hit directly in the face by Danny. The abuse would continue most of the night but he did take it back each time.

We decided to have a mad off to see who could be madder.


For some reason when the camera got higher he got lower.


Laura doing a solid ass derp face.


Laura got pretty drunk…I mean we all got pretty drunk but I would like to go ahead and blame one Ms. Hickman. I mean god bless her but her shots are drinks without ice or a straw there’s just so much! lol

The following are the phases of drunken Laura:


Phase 1: Do some crazy dancing


Phase 2: Take a nap.


Phase 3: Pose for a picture


Phase 4: Spill your cheese sticks on the counter and make it look like you kinda puked a little bit on the bar. 

Phase 5: Now this phase is pictureless because it consists of taking the bitch home. 


Danny motorboated Kelsi as you can see both are completely taken aback about it.


More mad when she realized there was a camera involved.

Once the gang was calm cool and collected(and Brandi and Kayla had taken Laura home) The three remaining drunks made our way down to Erney’s.

Once there Danny became a model.


Then he had a change of heart and became a DJ.


This happened…


But I mean at least Carrie was there for it.

Before I knew it Jesse was there…and the showing of her newly pierced nipples began! So did the rounds of shots. I mean who doesn’t like six shots right before the bar closes.


We were there long enough for these bitches to ride the pole.


I ran into one of my fav fans Kelsey (if she says she’s a fan it’s ok for me to use fan because it’s not egotistical) She told me about how she got banned from Pop’s…I mean who get’s banned from Pop’s? Then Jesse changed her name to Jelly Bean.

The downfall of going home from the bar is that when you try to go to bed with Jesse this happens..


Bitch always has to cuddle. Let’s face it folks if I tell you I don’t want to cuddle no means no. But in Jesse language if you say no you’re just being selfish…or rude…it really depends on her mood.

Saturday morning Jesse and I had to run to my house so I could ya know have clothes for Saturday. She spent my shower time talking to my mom about their love for booze. Then it was off to pick up Alex and meet Spenser for lunch at Bar Louie.


Our food was good. We appetized it. But I must now ask why did everything have lettuce underneath it? It was illogical.

Reuniting with Jesse and Spenser at the same time of course meant that we would play beer pong. So Alex pulled some strings to get us to play at Novak’s. Only the strings fell through and we didn’t get to play so we played Flippy Cup instead. Only after the creepy guy calling himself the VP of Novak’s kept trying to arrange a photo shoot of us playing beer pong even though it wasn’t happening.


He did have a dog in a half wedding dress so I guess it was ok…

At this point Spenser had been off the grid too long and had to talk to his stalker bf so he used Jesse’s phone to text where he was and he was a freak. How dare Spenser have fun! Am I right? We had a where is Spenser photo shoot


This one was grainy


Spenser said he looked fat in this one…Laura looked awesome


This one took!


Laura fed me some Hummus…I am clearly not ashamed of this picture…

Close to 7 we made our way over to the Aquiogolerberg house so we could all be together when we went to this place called Pooh’s.


We went to POOH’S to see this lady. I’m still not sure what POOH’S stands for. People often offending hispanic Spaniards or patients outside of health services.

We managed to have another where is Spenser photo shoot


Danny photo bombed it which is great…


Then Jesse demanded a picture of her.


Then this weird guy was on the TV with a whale on his head


Laura found this at Pooh’s. Legendary!


I mean really what are the odd’s that two people would wear Mickey Mouse shirts out drinking.

We made our way to Honey. for Ashlie and Amber’s birthday gathering. Spenser’s bf finally figured out where and who he was with. Or as he called me a worthless piece of shit 🙂


So we took a picture because dude doesn’t know shit about me and needs to take a fucking chill pill.


Jesse wanted a solo picture again…but she looks like a creep…


Tiffany blew smoke into Laura’s face I mean it was kinda hot.


I mean bitch can work a vapor cig like a boss.


I mean…magical really


The Aquiogolerberg’s


I love her…she could murder me with one hand but I love her.

Here’s the thing…when Jesse is around she just tends to make things happen…by things I mean she get’s bitches to make out.


I mean I’m pretty sure Jeff doesn’t know where he is and Danny’s trying to steal his soul.

We moved the party down the street to Novak’s but on the way these two decided it would be a good idea to climb on this car.


Pretty sure I had a slight panic attack because of the overcrowding and we had to leave to go to bed since well I had to work in the morning.


On the way Laura tried to climb on that cop car on the right. It may have not been the best decision but Danny was real quick to stop it from happening.

While I was getting my car back from Alex these bitches found a tractor thingy.


After an annoyingly long trip to White Castle we got back to Alex’s to crash


Jesse like puke/sneezed or something


Then got stuck in her coat.

Finally went to bed only to be covered in blue balls.


God bless it.

I love my stupid bitches!

Anybody see Nikki?

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