So I’m Dead…

A lot of people think about death a lot. What will dying feel like? What is on the other side?

I think that being alive is weird. Like why do I get to be alive today?

Weird I know! But hello…have you met me?

The one thing I do want to make very clear is that if/when I die I want to have some say in what happens at my funeral!

I think that’s pretty reasonable! Rules and requests for after I’m gone. 

1. I would like my funeral to be referred to as a FUNeral

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There may still be some tears shed but at the end of the day I want to put on a good show! That starts with changing the name right away to make it clear you’re about to have a good time!

2. Funnel Cakes

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You can’t have FUN without them! Bitches might get hungry and these tasty snacks seem to always put a smile on people’s faces.

3. I want someone to do this!

If you can actually get Anna Chlumsky that would be ideal! Otherwise you can sign up here to volunteer to take on this task.

4. I want a DJ

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Here’s the twist I only want them to play the saddest songs from movies! What!!!! Basically the Beaches soundtrack!

5. The Hocus Pocus Rule!

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Every Halloween someone has to come to my grave and play the movie for me! It has to happen!

6. If I don’t like the person they can’t attend.

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Sorry but if I don’t like you then why are you here?

7. Open Mic

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I’m not sure what the policy is as far as time in funeral homes. Like do you rent by the hour? I just think people should be able to all express how they feel. Unless they’re dumb!

8. The La Vie En Rose Rule

Lynn Bobzin upon hearing of my death you must reenact this entire scene! I’ll be watching

9. The Weekend at Bernie’s Rule

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In honor of my Grandpa McCormicks favorite movie I want to have one last party so just prop me up and carry me around!

10. The Strangers With Candy Rule

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I need someone to dress up as Jerri Blank…looking at you Rachel Waltrip! I want to think that Jerri out lived me.

11. The Interpretive Dance

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I have enough dancer friends that this should be accomplished fairly easily. So just tell my life story through dance!

12. The Ugly Cry Rule

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Whomever creates the ugliest cry should undoubtedly get a prize! So someone needs to get a trophy and present that award at my burial.

 13. If You Make A Scene Rule

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I will fucking haunt you! Literally I’m dead…it’s not about you! I’m looking at you Teresa!

14. The Hunt For The Burn Book Rule

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Whomever finds these books will have found a truly epic read! So good luck on the hunt!

15. The Musical Chair Rule

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Sitting in the front row is a big deal! My front row guests will be decided by a game of musical chairs…hello FUN!

16. The Grave Visitation Rule

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Do not come to talk to me about anything but hot gossip! Literally you better have some good shit to disturb my resting!

17. The Gravestone Rule

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All it needs to say is ‘He invented Post Its’

So that’s my FUNeral. I hope you all enjoy yourself!

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