As many of you know I recently a got a new dog a few months ago named Pepper Ann. She’s a beautiful disaster!
So I come home after a long day at work and when I pull into the drive way I see a face in the window that shouldn’t be there…
For some reason Pepper Ann wasn’t in her cage and no one was home…which is a think that shouldn’t happen considering her nickname is ‘Destructor’
So I grab all my shit out of my car and prepare to be jumped on by a dog who standing reaches my shoulders. But as soon as I open the door it hits me right in the face…
The smell was overwhelming. So my thought is she must have gone somewhere in the living room. I start to look around but I don’t see anything.
I think to myself maybe it’s an aftershock. Like a smell from an old accident that decided to come back around and make my eyes water. But then I notice that my door is closed…
I open my door to see a pile of poop just sitting in the middle of my floor.
No big deal. It was a solid poop so I wasn’t too upset…yet…
I let her out the back door to think about her accident, knowing full well that she wouldn’t actually think about it at all.
I grab some paper towels, a Walmart bag(let’s face it that what they’re good for) and some cleaning spray and I was ready to tackle the turds.
But when I went to open my door I realized something….there was MORE!!!!!!
I push my door open the rest of the way and it slides through a nice pile of vomit. It’s worth noting that a lot of the food was still whole…apparently Miss Pepper isn’t a fan of chewing!
Once I regain focus from the surprise vomit I look up to see it…
A pile of molasses diarrhea just right next to my bed and all over that fancy bed runner that is completely impossible to put back onto your bed!
I’m just so mad at this point…like I seriously can’t!
I refocus again and notice ANOTHER FUCKING PILE OF DIARRHEA right by my dresser!
Like what the fuck happened in here?!?
So I begin the clean up process. Which I might add is extremely difficult for me because I’m super sensitive to smells and it makes me vomit….so I’m like trying to physically get all this SHIT in the bag before I puke. It was not ok!
In the process of her poop party she managed to bend literally every blind on my window…there must have been a squirrel outside…
As I’m finishing up with pile number 3 I finally notice it…
Bitch puked on my fucking bed…
She also knocked over a glass of apple cinnamon water that spilled directly into my underwear drawer…so now all my underwear smells like fucking Big Red chewing gum!
I don’t know what I did to deserve this!
Finally it occurs to me that I’m full of rage…like super super super mad!
I only have one thing I need to figure out…WHO LET HER OUT OF HER CAGE!!!
Both of my parents deny having let her out of her cage…I locked her in when I went to work like I do everyday I go to work.
So apparently because they’re both being ‘honest’ Pepper Ann is a fucking Houdini dog who can manage to get herself out of her cage whenever she has the runs!
Then as the story develops…as stories naturally do…I find out that my dad came home and let her out of my room. Saw the mess every where and LEFT!
Look it’s one thing to see it and leave the scene of the crime. But you saw it, let the dog out and didn’t clean up anything…or at least text me a warning that shits about to hit the fan…which if she tried hard enough and believed in herself she probably could have hit the fan!
No…he sends my mom a text saying I have a nice surprise at home and leaves…winning the super cool guy award for sure!
So after a two-hour clean up I now have a permanent stain on my floor from her toxic diarrhea…which I think is just super cool! I probably only dry heaved like 7 times…cause if I would have puked as well I just would have been real fucking pissed!
We may never know how she got out of her cage…or what caused such an eruption from within her…but I do know one thing…
IT WAS THE WORST APRIL FOOLS DAY EVER!!!