Traveling Shit Show and the Pump Kin Festival

I seriously have been looking forward to this trip since June because I work all the time and I have to look forward to having real-time off.

The roster of people going changed 100 god damn times! People kept dropping out or inviting themselves…and then dropping out. It was a stressful mess to organize! Then add-on the fact that Clark was being all crazed(you’re excused but you were being a nut).

Anyway it was pretty much settled last week that it would just be Spenser, Nikki and I driving up to Peoria to hang with our girls Jesse and Clark.

Nikki said she didn’t care what we listened to on the way to Peoria as long as we didn’t listen to ‘Let It Go’ which led to Nikki and Spenser’s first fight ever. It was adorable!

The road trip theme was ‘Divas and Disney’ and it was amazing! Literally I can’t even with how good the music was!!!(Basic white girl moment)


Pretty much the best road crew ever! Spenser and his palate back there!


Best part of any Road Trip towards Chicago! 2nd place goes to Towanda IL!

We had to make a pit stop at Thorntons in Lincoln to get gas and use the restroom. Notable things that happened in the Thornton’s:

  • The bitch working the counter wouldn’t take a firm no as an answer for a Thornton reward card…bitch I don’t live here! I don’t have Thornton’s!
  • Spenser announced that he got a beef stick! It was like Laura Jones was with us!
  • Some trucker bought 8 giant bags of pork rinds…BITCH HUNGRY!


Spenser enjoying his beef stick! In honor of Laura Jones!


Seriously this bitch would make me take ten in a row until we both looked right….while we were approaching construction or another car. #mess

I’m pretty sure we made amazing time! It only took like two hours and ten minutes which is great! My legs were ready to stretch…only princess Spenser had plenty of leg room.

We had to meet Jesse at her work Fifth Quarter for cheap drinks and food. Listen, sorry Jesse but this has to be mentioned, don’t put the word ‘wrap’ on your menu to describe an item and then serve it in a damn pita!

Also thanks to Jesse and her spilling an entire beer down my legs and lap I had no choice but to change before going out for the evening because I smelled like the interior of a keg.

Jed met us at the restaurant and then we were off to Jesse’s to get ready for the evenings festivities! Lets talk about being abandoned! Nikki and Spenser took all their shit out of the car and were like good luck finding a parking spot! BYEEEEE!…bitches!

Everyone got ready to go out! Spenser made sure to go through Jesse’s closet to make fun of the clothes in their…ya know…for traditions sake.


It’s quite difficult to take selfies in my car and include everyone! I just wanted that to be on record somewhere.  Spenser looks kind of menacing!

We went to the Pumpkin Festival which at this point was still only two words! There was a herd of prostitots hanging out by the DQ right by the festival. It was terrifying!

Within forty seconds of walking into the festival Spenser saw ‘The Zipper’ and decided he wanted to do that thing! Unfortunately for him there was no one at the ticket booth and the rest of us had already drank too much to indulge him in his childhood carnival obsession. So clearly it was time to journey to the beer tent.




The beer tent was crowded and sucked huge donkey dick! First, Spenser poured the beer and he’s got the shakes so it was super foamy. Nikki promptly banned him from pouring for the rest of the weekend. As Jesse stated ‘they don’t even have music this sucks!’ So we left before I could make fun of anyone else wearing a parka.

They took us to this place called Pitch that was doing karaoke. We ran into ole girl Carb who made it in time because the boat was totally leaving!

There was this girl in there wearing this corset. Honey did NOT have the body for this outfit she was wearing…it was like looking at a tube of biscuits with the protective cover removed knowing that at any moment it could burst!


It was actually a really cute little bar, however this child was so drunk he couldn’t even walk or stand and he was still getting served. I mean to each their own but when he decided he needed another drink and wanted to get to the bar by fondling Spenser, Nikki and I’s nipples on the way…we had a problem…it was basically time to go at this point! We did manage to smuggle out a mason jar…so that was nice!

Jesse and Jed went to get pizza and said they would meet us at Diesel which didn’t happen because they got too full.


Nikki had to get her life almost immediately! Spenser did something ridiculous and she just had to bear down and grab the pole!

There was a drag show happening when we got there Spenser was really excited because the one was doing Cher…she looked like a drag queen doing Cher…she was so close to the right look! But she couldn’t match Stiflers mom!


Everything after that was kind of a blur…and by blur I mean some people were making questionable decisions!


If you want to look good in a pic you have to take that shit early! The more drinks the harder it is to look good!


Otherwise you get a pick like this!


My eyes look pretty as fuck but my face says I’m sad!


Nikki really wanted me to take a picture of her and this guy…why idk…that’s a mystery!


That didn’t work out so she decided this will suffice!


I called her Aunt Jemima because of her wrap on her head….she helped me keep an eye on this poor little fella who couldn’t hang!


So Spenser was missing for a while and then just showed up to be in this picture…our faces are priceless!

When we went to leave Nikki asked if I got my card…without saying anything I bolted out of the car towards the bar only to realize that I DID close out my tab that night! Once the car started to go Nikki had a fit because she couldn’t find the trail mix that she kicked under the seat earlier…smh


I kid you not this kid was asleep 5 seconds after the car started running! Slutty and Sleepy those are his two drunk forms!


Spenser trying to emerge from the car when we got back home.

We got back to the apartment and had to park basically a mile away! That walk back was awful! We went to the back door of Jesse’s apt because that’s how she brought us in only to find the door locked. So we had to wake the poor girl up from her slumber and stop Spenser from going into the neighbors apt.

I quickly realized I didn’t bring anything to sleep in so Spenser and Nikki got a show! Nikki was quite busy getting herself ready for bed…banging her feet into things and saying ‘God Bless America’ when all of a sudden a sound erupted from the back room…. Bitch done shushed us! We were totally loud lol but that shush was unexpected and it like went up louder like ssssssssssssHHUSSSSH

After the shush heard round the world we all managed to pass out. Jesse who got a few more hours of sleep than us decided it was time for everyone to wake up. It was so sweet of her!

She went full Bubba Gump on us about the pumpkin festival and what they would have there during the day- pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin pastries, etc.

So we managed to push through the struggle bus and get our lives while getting ready. I would now like to take the time to mention that Jesse’s shower is like the worst! Sorry girl but you know it’s true! It barely trickled I don’t know how she does that everyday!

Mama Tam picked us up and we were off to Avanti’s because it’s my favorite and I love it! Even though I say gondola wrong


I really don’t even know how to make you understand that it’s the most basic sandwich ever and yet so amazing in my mouth! Although I will say that our waitress was the worst ever…we did have to sit there for 20 minutes waiting for her ass to come back with our checks…honey you want to make money you gotta work for it!


Spenser on the way to the festival! Can’t you see how happy he was to be there?

On the way to the pumpkin festival we got to deal with crabby cakes Spenser…someone hadn’t had their coffee yet. He could have got some at the restaurant we were just at but….that’s a ridiculous idea! So once we finally found parking the first mission was to find Spenser some coffee. In case anyone is wondering he is that person who is awful until he gets his coffee! They do exist!

Jesse took us on a tour through the craft fair. It was the fastest I’ve seen anyone move through a craft fair ever and thank god for that! I was super gassy from all the pumpkin beer and just kept farting near small children…someone was going to catch on!

We thought about riding some rides but tickets weren’t cheap and there were hella kids all over the place. No thanks!

We tried the beer tent again and nothing was happening! We really struck out at this damn Pump Kin Festival but you can bet your ass we used our drinking tickets! Some lady was kind enough to give us a free pitcher of beer…too bad it was skunk!

We ended up going to this chill bar right next to the festival for some drinks. Mama Tam knew the bartender.


We got a group pic…Tam kept getting us to move but we didn’t listen so now Nikki is a ghost!


This guy got all up in my personal space for a beer. It wasn’t comfortable!

Nikki and I stayed there because of her shin splints or whatever ailment didn’t allow her to walk to the corn dog stand. So my corn dog had to be delivered to me…which I might add should be a thing! Fresh corn dogs delivered to you when you want them! Writing this really makes me want another corn dog!

So we grew weary of the festival and headed back to Jesse’s to get my car and then after a poop break we were off to Schooner’s.


Always looking surprised in my selfies!

They had this thing called a corn fritter…everyone was looking at me crazy because I hadn’t heard of it. So I ordered it and frankly I was disappointed! Like I thought it would be this awesome fried corn thing but it was like pancake balls with corn, powdered sugar and syrup. Ole girl Pam was supposed to meet us but she bailed…tisk tisk Pamela!

We headed back to the apartment to relax before going out. Spenser made us play Mario Party 2 on Nintendo 64 and well things didn’t work out for him…because he lost…he lost bad! But that’s what happens when you pick Luigi! You let computer Peach beat you!

We got to Diesel a little after 11. We walked in and there were at least three bridal parties and a herd of basic bitches in denim jackets who couldn’t walk or say ‘p’scue me’ it was really sad!

So as we sat around waiting for Clark to arrive we all managed to get awkwardly hit on and complimented and isn’t that what life is all about?


Nikki met this wall and they really hit it off!


Nikki had another photo shoot with her boys! Clearly my face is winning America’s Next Top Model!


Allow me to just bite your face!

Clark finally arrived like a fucking whirlwind of drunkenness!


Running around and jumping on people! Act right Clark!




Spenser has clearly HAD it!

Honestly I blacked out Saturday night at Diesel….I’m pretty sure I made out with someone who probably has a born this way tattoo….


Apparently the bar just has a giant dildo sitting out in case people want to Prom pose with it.


Look at that grip!


Apparently there was also a fist involved! and a trip to ‘Poundtown’


These two decided to have a little photo shoot!


Still no me!


I wasn’t too happy about it!


I got to be in this one!




I don’t even know who that other person is!


Closing time!


What in the hell kind of demonic ghost/drunk demon is Spenser?

We got back to the apartment and I managed to take my pants off and run around the apartment. Then it hit me! Vomit that is! Had to make some donations to the porcelain God!


Have you ever woke up like this?

Sunday morning when we woke up the struggle was the realest it had been for me in a very long time! We managed to get our shit together and meet Clark at Granite City for brunch.

That’s right! There is a whole restaurant named Granite City up there! I tried to get my meal for free but I was denied…tisk tisk!

We stopped off at Target so Spenser could get his coffee. He waited for 20 minutes from a drink with barely any coffee in it…which we heard about every time he took a sip!

On our drive home Nikki and Spenser both thought they saw R2D2 on the bridge. It was one of those you had to be there moments!

“R2D2 what are you doing here?’

We stopped off in Pawnee to gas up and get nourishment. You ever see people and know they had a rough weekend? That’s how everyone in that damn gas station looked at us!

For the last two Peoria trips look here and here!

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