Spiders…why?!?

So early Friday morning around 2 am I was busy working on my previous post. You know the one about going on a date.

So I’m slaving away to entertain my readers when I hear a thud.

Yes thud. Not THUD

A loud enough noise that I turned to my right and saw a spider

A MOTHER FUCKING SPIDER!!!!!!!!

Literally my personal space had been invaded! I couldn’t even.

This thing was larger than a quarter and filled with human hate!

It was obviously sent by some sort of spider mafia to take me out due to my very vocal hatred of their species.

But he botched the landing and due to his inability to stick it he’s now with the spider god…

So here is how it went down! I slowly reached to my right to grab my remote once it was firmly grasped in my hands

WHAP

I threw the remote in fear but the spider was still right next to me getting ready to attack…or waiting to be put out of its misery…so I grabbed a second remote and

WHAP

As I was removing his carcass from my eyesight I felt a prick on my finger. I had been bitten!

With my life flashing before my eyes I soon realized that I had merely crushed the body a little bit more and had not been bitten. It just poked my finger.

Which brings me to the topic at hand

Spiders….Why?!?

My entire life has been a constant struggle

Wesley want to come hang out here? No because spiders.

Wesley want to help clean this area? No because spiders.

Wesley want to enjoy nature? No because spiders…and snakes but that’s an entire different post.

I think it’s fair to share my personal run ins. Help my audience truly understand the predicament that I keep finding myself in.

As children we are almost tricked by a book called Charlotte’s Web. In the book we are led to believe that spiders can communicate with other animals and that they in fact are loving creatures who want to help their friends before they die.

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Sometimes adults lie to children to lure them into a false sense of security.

My fear of spiders came from two things:

1. The movie Arachnophobia seriously it was the scariest thing. Those spiders literally just wanted to murder people. The only thing I learned from watching it is that its us or them!

2. When I was little my brother and I were forced to attend Lots of Tots day care. It was literally one of the worst places in existence. One of the worst parts was that there were daddy-long-legs all over the playground. I’m traumatized to this day by the amount, but mostly because some kids would fling them at people. Who the fuck does that? Shitty little kids!

So needless to say I’m justified in my fear!

Not to mention that they can actually kill you at any time they want.

Last year I was walking into the basement to do some laundry. I rounded the corner to the washer and dryer to find a brown recluse/tarantula hybrid lurking on top of a pile of clothes.

I was overcome with fear! Paralyzed where I stood. I could only use my vocals. I called to Teresa for assistance.

She came downstairs to save her child who was in grave danger.

Once she saw the spider she began to make fun of me for not just killing it. Umm this thing was huge! It could have been a jumper. That’s simply not a risk I was willing to take!

So as she went in for the kill it MOVED!
I bolted. I was up those stairs five at a time. There was no margin for error. I HAD to get up those stairs.

I sat on the couch waiting for Teresa to return with the news that the spider was dead. She came up the stairs and looked at me and acted as if I had behaved irrationally.

She said ‘do you have anything to say for yourself’

I thought about it and replied ‘Happy Mothers Day.’

Once upon a time I was a Boy Scout. Hard to believe now knowing how I respond to the idea of camping but it’s true.

Do you know what lurks in the outhouses at camp grounds?

FUCKING SPIDERS

You literally have to inspect before you walk in to one of them.

I’m sorry but when you gotta go you gotta go! I don’t have time to be looking everywhere in the damn outhouse for a surprise spider!

Whats a surprise spider? Oh that’s when you go to do something then suddenly SURPRISE SPIDER!

I don’t have time to deal with these shenanigans!

I entered an outhouse once….went to pee…then suddenly surprise spider the size of a fucking bullfrog!

I’m told it was a wolf spider…for good reason! Because it was huge as fuck and would have bitten me had I not bolted with my dick out!

Would you like to know a fun fact?

Have you ever met someone who had been bitten by a spider, yet didn’t remember being bitten by one? Like maybe it occurred in their sleep?

BECAUSE IT PROBABLY DID HAPPEN IN THEIR SLEEP!

Some spiders seek warmth…whats warm late at night..in your bedroom…hmm i don’t know perhaps YOUR BODY!!!!

Excuse me spiders I didn’t invite you to come snuggle so when I roll over or move that doesn’t mean you have the right to bite! I don’t bite you for entering my space!

Ratchet ass spiders coming into my bed without an invitation! #clingy

Some people love spiders!

These people are fucking crazy!

Oh you want to own a Black Widow! I’ll see you at your funeral!

Stop being crazy and say NO to owning a spider. Say no to hanging out in homes that house spiders by choice!

Have any of you noticed those people who share stupid shit on Facebook?

It’s always like you’re never gonna believe what happens in this video!

Well fuck man…I wanna know what happens in the video…

So you start watching and everything is normal when suddenly the thing you’ve been waiting for happens!

An eruption of spiders being born and bursting from their nest, a person minding their own business when suddenly a spider jumps out of nowhere!, or even worse everyone’s nightmare trying to kill a spider and you miss…nothing is worse than watching it scamper away or at you!

It is at this time I would like to provide you with visual proof that spiders are terrible!

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I will never read this post again myself because you don’t even know how scary it was to include these gifs!

So basically I think that the thing we’ve really learned is that spiders are bad…and anyone who thinks otherwise is a freaking nut job!

Thanks for reading!

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1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Spiders…why?!? Part 2 | Confessions of A Someday Somebody

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