Where have I been?

Hello there!

Welcome back to this adventure of mine.

First I would like to apologize for those of you that were big fans and really wanted to read up on my weekly adventures. I’d like to thank Ellie and Casey for their constant harassment about why the blog wasn’t being updated.

So let’s discuss what you’ve missed!

Well for starters I lost my job. I was probably the only person in history who got fired with a smile on his face. Despite losing my job I did manage to win unemployment so things aren’t really that bad. I get to search for a job I love while being paid by the job I didn’t love. Win/Win!

I’m single. It’s fine…don’t ask…

I’m still not talking to my family. It’s dine…don’t ask…

I’ve enjoyed an incredible drunk summer with the friends that I love. Which brings me to the main part of this post.

The part of the blog posts that you all love the most!

The pictures worth a thousand words!!!!!

Here is what you’ve missed:

(Note that this is in no particular order, other than who sent me what pics when and I ain’t go no patience to try to put these pictures into any kind of regular order. If you have a problem I’m now hiring a photo organizer for no pay! Apply within!!!)

When playing circle of death sometimes you just need to take a moment to fan yourself.

Horizontal Titanicing

This bitch! She is loved and missed…we all fans (see what I did there)

So this bitch fell into the plant…notice how the screen is black because she’s not even on the phone! Yeah she drove us home that night…

I was really excited about my drink having tits! Thanks Pamela Anderson!

This guy kept trying to dance on me and like would try to high-five me to trap me into it…No sir I don’t high-five strangers!

Martha Dumptrucks…Heathers forever!!!!!

Sir thank you for, for no reason, shaving off part of your handlebar mustache.

Kelsi you dancing behind this guy was amazing you were so close!!!!

Then casually walk away. Making up for that time that you fell on the patio!

This girl kept grabbing her hair…so I made sure we did it together! I also crocheted her top!

Rachel just cupping dem balls!

Just laying there like a whole fish while getting penetrated! (Yeah Casey Calcaterra I said whole)

Sometimes when you see pictures of things you did the night before you have to think to yourself how did I not get more injured?

Christina put that whole twerk for jesus down on Danny and he got light-headed and dizzy and fell over

Ralph saw Danny fall and said ‘I’m gonna get on that…HEYYYYYYYYY’

Just Tiffany getting arrested while Nikki looks on with disapproval and Kelsi takes a whole picture! (There it is again Casey)

She’s not one of us…but girl needs to keep her shoes on for sure!

Twerking Barbie

Just my Schnucks engagement ring…no big deal!

Nikki won the Novaks diversity award! Congrats Nikki!

I pinched Donna Jo’s nipple and she smashed my whole thumb into its socket. Not cool Dj!

I’m not sure what her drunk thought was behind this other than I wonder what a fire extinguisher will feel like close to my cooter…

Just a group shot…while I have a stroke

Some bitches can be so thirsty!

I’m really not sure what’s going on here…but it looks like the worst way to start making out.

Dear Wesley, That face…NO!

Someone taking a picture of me being sad taking a picture of them being sad…brilliant!

Yeah…scary!

Twerk + Ass bongos…danny this could explain your hurt.

I was really scared by this little girl jumping on Nikki

She’s got those big elephant ears!

Just me and Tiffany being Velociraptors…NBD

Just a big ole group shot at Sarah’s going away party

Just us boughie friends in matching shirts working Sarah’s signature pose and patterns

Bitch fell in that whole sink then turned the water on her self. She spent the rest of the night trying to figure out who would turn the water on her like that.

Just riding a kids scooter…judge away

I don’t understand why Laura Jones didn’t want this painting.

That infamous sad face picture

Just some more street preaching.

This guy was probably the creepiest experience in a long while. How you going to literally stand on top of someone then when they move away you scoot back on top of them. Go home!

Look Brandi is out.

Twerking for Jesus train!

Dj just trying to get that footing!

When you see it!

Just a group shot…where i apparently have a backwards crippled arm…

Lap dances for all!

Still never banned from a bar…

Angela’s face makes this whole picture (Whoop there it is Casey!)

Ralph often claps for himself!

Just a little jizz

Drunk as fuck…no telling who Danny could be on the phone with…and really Nikki you gonna take that whole pitcher (sorry not sorry Casey)

I mean I’m dying at Amy holding this purse

Flava Flav eat your heart out!

We didn’t chain them down…so hopefully no one takes them.

She just wants that D!

So many things happening…just don’t look in Kelsi’s eyes they’ll steal your whole soul in this picture! (Casey is probably getting sick of the word whole)

I can almost guarantee someone I know was responsible for this!

She’s just gonna sit on it…and he just spreading dem cheeks

Just waiting at the hospital for news on Danny’s health. While wasted at like four am. NBD

Seats taken! (She’s just having a Forrest Gump moment)

Riding that pink elephant making it her bitch!

Yes that’s a penis. Yeah she is posing with him like this happens every day. God Bless.

Typical!

Learning to type on a typewriter with my weird crazy fingers.

Just your average sleepover necessities!

I love when Nikki gets distracted by immobile objects and decides to have a photo shoot.

The mailbox is eating my whole arm…Nikki can’t be bothered!

‘Hey Daddy…you want some of my popcorn?’

Ok Amy…this looks borderline rapey…lock it up

NYC has the Naked Cowboy…we have the Naked Preacher

Just Gina sleeping in a bar…its fine or it’s vine or whatever

Yeah it’s daylight…yea I’m wasted…yes I’m putting on someones sweater vest.

These sluts…

Happy Birthday Brandi!!!! Those were some bomb ass cake balls Kayla got you!

Tiffany teaching fire safety and physical education. Remember kids it is important to do lunges while spraying a fire!

Laura teaching pool safety ala Shocantelle Brown in a cat suit!

Do Not Walk…doesn’t say do not climb!

Christina this is actually how you twerk for jesus! You twerk on someone while they are reading a bible!

I love Clark. I love latina Nikki. I love black Rachel.

When eating bananas one apparently must eat them aggressively.

Beetlejuice Surprise!

Some one needs to cute back on the lip gloss if you can’t even eat fried chicken without the whole leg getting stuck! (you see this one Casey)

This is what is called day twerking…it’s really rare but it happens!

Typical lesbian activity right here

And remember kids always have a flotation device…even if it’s a blow up doll!

Follow these Instagrams to stay on top of the madness: @dannyogolin, @tsmith33084, @jusralph11, @nikki8144, @djharden, @mrrager314, @laurajones6551, @astacy23, @casecalcaterra, @gdiddy636, @ker_stina, @bgc7shellyray, @r8chelb8ker, @ayabaybayy27