Traveling Shit Show: Y’all Got Any Hot Dogs?

Every so often one must mix up the routine. So rather than go to the same old bars where everyone knows your name, you go somewhere where people have no idea who you are.

Friday could not have come any sooner. Had to get the oil change then run and meet Stephanie to get my Hilton pass for our room. Followed by hanging with Alex, mostly just so I could get my vodka, went to Buffalo Wild Wings with him.

Once I got dropped off it was time to get in my car and let the adventure begin. Headed over to Danny’s to pick everyone up, Nikki literally was right behind me. Which was great because I got to hear to awkward interactions with her and Danny’s black neighbors.

Convo number 1

Old black man – ‘Oh you staying here this weekend? They’ve been talking about you all week! Don’t worry if you hear any clicking noises they just taken pictures of you’

Nikki – Oh great.

Convo Number 2

High black guy – ‘Yo! You doing good?’

Nikki – ‘Yeah I’m doing good’

HBG – ‘Yeah I know you doing good. I can tell’(continues to mumble to himself while we walk away)

We waited for about five minutes for Laura who literally walked in and opened a Miller Hi Life that she pulled out of her bag. Which officially meant that the party had started!

We began the car ride by playing the card game to find out who the biggest perv was. Surprisingly it was kind of a draw? I think we were just thankful to know that we are all equally slutty but none of us have masturbated to Baywatch.

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Have you ever used a dirty sock to clean up after masturbation? Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker hoping for sex as payment for the ride? Have you talked dirty to yourself while masturbating?

Well have you?

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This was only like once we crossed into IL…Laura couldn’t contain her boner.

We stopped to eat in Springfield because the girls had to pee and eat and couldn’t make it much further. The McDonald’s was ‘out’ of regular BBQ and only had Chipotle BBQ but wanted to charge for more than one container. Am I missing something? Are we in a condiment drought? Why is everyone charging for shit all the time like if I want a side of mayo I want a side of mayo!

Once we were done consuming food we ran across the street to fill up and get some mixers. I went into the bathroom because I had to blow my nose…then I peed because might as well. I was loving how many things were for sale in the bathroom. Condoms and cologne, also you could get weighed up to 500 pounds accurately. But let’s face it if you’re at 500 pounds I don’t think you need the scale to tell you how big you are.

Back in the gas station while shopping for things to drink the Vodka with and other assorted booze selections. Laura yelled to the cashier:

Laura – ‘Y’all got any Hot Dogs?’

Cashier – ‘No’

Laura – ‘Y’all got any Mozzarella cheese sticks?’

Cashier – ‘No’

This bitch was watching us like a hawk from the moment we got in. I left the store to go finish pumping the gas. Meanwhile Danny had come out. Then Laura.

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Then we waited for fucking ever for Nikki. She finally gets into the car and had to explain that because Laura told someone she was African-American that she had to listen to some old lady have a heritage conversation. Lawd Jesus ain’t nobody got time for that. Once we got on the highway it was first round of shots time! Danny was such a great helper holding the wheel while I took mine.

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Just driving with my good wig! NBD!

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I mean I kinda love the wig on her.

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Everything about this picture is amazing!

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I look so lovely!

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Yup that’s correct!

I think we had about 4 shots? Or so on the remainder of the car ride to Peoria. I kid you not my favorite moment was driving over the one hill then seeing Peoria in all its glory and the shock from the others about its size. We checked into the hotel mind you she didn’t ask me for my ID or CC which of course killed me on the inside as someone who works in the hotel industry.

We got in the room and got ready to go out and party.

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Danny popped my back before we went out.

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Then Laura raped me!

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We had some tub talk!

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I had a tub nap!

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These bitches tried to have a real photo shoot!

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I thought I was in it but it was just my arm.

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Group Photo!!!!!

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Awkward family photo? I think so!

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These two bitches were ready to party!

Meanwhile of course drinking more, I was pretty much wasted before we even left. I wasn’t even mad about it. I had to make Danny navigate and somehow we went the wrong direction first. So we had to circle a few parking lots. Laura and Nikki weren’t really fans of the Peoria parking lot tour. We made it to the bar in about five minutes then spent ten minutes trying to figure out where to park because I didn’t know where was legal.

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I love this picture because it looks like I’m hesitant to go in!

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Just some local hookers!

Once we got into the bar I was sad because Danny said I wasn’t allowed to have a cocktail for 45 minutes. FOR REAL? It’s like telling a kid they can’t open their Christmas presents when one parent isn’t up yet! Ridiculous!

We didn’t stray to far from the norm. We had photos taken together before the shit wasted photos.

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I’m not sure of what’s on my neck…

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I really thought I had this photo nailed…Danny told me the truth…My days on america’s next top model and not here yet.

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Apparently I was cheesing real hard in this one

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Danny tried to cut me out of this one for bombing.

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I simply didn’t have time for this one!

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Leave it to Laura to get on the pool table in a bar we don’t frequent.

Nikki was asking Billy the bartender about what kind of music they would be playing. He said he wasn’t a fan of thug music. Nikki of course love thug music so she was a little downhearted but her spirits were lifted when he said ‘I mean I’d blow a thug but I don’t do thug music’ Needless to say she lost it!

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They were getting it on the pole so I decided to take a senior picture!

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I mean I remember us being drunk and talking about how sexy that second pic is…now I look at it I don’t share the same sentiments.

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We found the cage!

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They just didn’t get as intimate as Laura and I!

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Back to the stripper pole!

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I enjoy the concentration on Nikki’s face

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This could be our Christmas card.

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This one is just boughie!

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This kid came out of nowhere as you can see I couldn’t control my laughter. He literally ran and jumped on the podium like bitch this podium is full!

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We took a family photo on the pole…our mothers would be proud.

In a surprise turn of events Clark was a liar and ended up coming out! I was mad about it because I was wasted but then I was happy about it like five minutes later.

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Everyone knew except for me.

Some random girl grabbed me and started dancing on me and using my arm to spin herself around. I hate when people use my tallness to be their personal dance accessory. Anyway she was missing a tooth and kept asking me where her friends were. Bitch I don’t know you or your friends get your life in order! I kept giving everyone the look like please come fucking save me. Instead they walked away, except Laura she just came and stood by me and smiled at me.

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Once that hair went up I had to get a picture.

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Bitch knew what I was up too.

Following this incident I made Clark walk me to the bathroom. She decided she wanted to go in as well so she went into the men’s room with me. Didn’t even close the stall door and managed to say hello to everyone that came into the bathroom.

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If you gonna hang yourself might as well have a cocktail for the journey.

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This bitch!

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I’m not sure how to take this picture or how to describe it.

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Twerk it like a big booty ho!

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Excellent leg extension!

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Sloppy sexiness…it’s fine though.

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Laura’s getting to that point in the night where she’s not really with us anymore.

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nevermind she’s still good!

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I can’t tell if Danny is dancing or resting.

There may have been some making out occurring at the bar. I can’t confirm or deny anything!

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That Clark sure gets around.

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Here’s the moment that I wish I could have witnessed but I was busy lecturing a bartender about his obscene amount of hickies. So Danny put her leg on his shoulder…then there was a loud thud……

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Laura took a taxi home shortly after this incident. She told the driver that she was staying at the Hilton. He told her there wasn’t a Hilton…he asked what it was by and she said a bunch of casinos and he safely delivered her to the Hampton Inn where we were staying. Glad she made it back ok.

At one point we waited outside to try to get into another bar but they had a ten-dollar cover so it was back to Diesel.

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I’m becoming so immune to these sex trains. I did quite enjoy Clark’s friend Katie’s make out eyes she had going on.

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Just a casual photo of me and my Clarky Cakes

We left right before four am. We brought home an extra. But she was pretty so it was fine. My drunk ass managed to run a red light in front of some cops who apparently didn’t even notice. I got us back to the hotel and passed out on top of the bed in my jeans and all! Managed to send out some horribly spelled text messages before crashing. A total mess!

At 8:15 Laura woke us all up like the room was on fire. I’ve never seen drunk ass people move so fast with only three hours of sleep. I had to make myself throw up because there was no way I was gonna make it.

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Nikki dropped her phone in the toilet. Danny said it bounced three times before falling in and bitch just said Oh No!

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Laura was definitely ready to go…meow!

We had to drive clear across Peoria to take Jenna home. Then we ended up going the wrong way on to get home because I was still wasted and I just guessed. Then when we were turning to go the correct way there may have been an illegal turn made…it may have been made right in front of a cop and we were definitely pulled over.

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Laura would like me to remind everyone that she was really pissed off at me at the time because I had a really dumb wasted smile on my face. We only got a ticket for lack of insurance which I have insurance but apparently it wasn’t in my glove box? Any who it’s all good in the hood.

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I was just loving Danny’s outfit of bright yellow sweat pants and leather jacket. Fashion realness.

I don’t remember the car ride because I mostly slept through it. I will add though that Nikki dropped her phone in her cream cheese. But I couldn’t function to go home until around 6pm but I wouldn’t trade it for anything it was an amazing weekend that I’m sure the rest of you wish you could have been there for.

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