Meet Oscar!

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Isn’t he beautiful! What I wouldn’t give to hold that coveted award in my hands. I mean I would probably steal one of Meryl’s if she ever invited me over for tea. Is that an Oscar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I’ve been watching this award show for as long as I can remember. It’s just the most glamorous night in Hollywood. Even people who don’t aspire to be in movies want to be the people who win.

I actually look forward to see who will be nominated because the Academy always has a few surprises and epic snubs. I get nervous for nominees who already have it locked up and even more disappointed when I find out I didn’t get a nomination. I mean what do you have to do make a film or something?!?

I can remember be so excited for a winner that I too clapped my hands alone in my room. Which is why I need to be able to attend so it’s less weird. I mean but really why wouldn’t I clap for Natalie Portman? Jennifer Hudson? Clap when James Cameron lost for Avatar? Or be completely appalled ala Roberto Benigni…

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I mean that’s embarrassing…(but I’d probably do the same thing)

I would actually probably pull a Sally Field “You like me you really like me!”

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The question is what category would I go for?

  1. Well we can eliminate all of the design categories because I’m horrible at drawing. This is a known fact!
  2. Go ahead and throw out the editing/mixing categories because that shit’s hard.
  3. Writing – Well that would just be wonderful. I have pretty terrible grammar so it would be a great achievement for me to be able to be recognized in that category. The question would be Original or Adapted Screenplay?
  4. Producing – I mean I ain’t got no money…so that’s a no go
  5. Directing – This would be a crowning achievement. I mean I don’t think people hype this category enough. The person who wins this category was the master of his/her film. They put their hands on almost every damn aspect on the film and made it something to remember.
  6. Acting – This was my first true love so obviously it would be nice to win in this category. I mean I would be a blubbering fucking mess! I would wear mascara just for the runs. I know that it would be one of those moments that get’s watched again and again.

What it really comes down too is your speech. Most people will thank God. Why? Did he perform in the movie? No you did! Thank yourself. Some will thank their family for all their support. I mean you could thank them but were they supportive? I don’t know but it’s food for thought.

My speech would probably go something like this:

‘Oh wow this is so amazing. There are so many people who I don’t want to thank right now. There are so many people who didn’t help me get here. They can be classified as dream crushers and non supporters. They know who they are and they know they don’t deserve to be mentioned. Oh this thing is heavy. This thing right here is going to make my future possible so I will thank the Academy for that. I’m off to do some shots before the press interview. *Enter in some kind of political statement while crying*’

As you can see it would be a great speech.

Knowing me while attending the ceremony I would have some sort of incident on the red carpet. Perhaps fall on my face or step on someone’s dress. I’m just the type. I would skip talking to Seacrest.

They have the saying that it’s an honor just to be nominated. Sure for some of those people. Me on the other hand if I don’t win they better hope a camera is on me because shit is getting real! I will not be a nice loser. That’s actually a stretch but in reality if you watch in slow motion you’ll be able to see my reaction of disgust and disdain. Perfect GIF length.

The question is who do you take as a date when nominated or presenting? An old friend? My mom or one of my adopted moms? A best friend? A lover? A friend to help you photo bomb on the red carpet? I’m going to go with someone who will not get annoyed by my commentary throughout the ceremony. I mean I’m pretty funny and kinda loud so Jack Nicholson will probably have to shush me on occasion.

At the end of the day we’re all winners. Unless you’re nominated against me then you’re a loser…

Just a few candids for you!

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Me and Jack Black singing at the Oscars…I wore my best perm

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Remember that one time I streaked at the Academy Awards?

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Just me and my home girl Anne sharing a kiss.

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